My nan was always a bit of a DIY-er when it came to beauty regimes and healthcare. Maybe I get it from her. Like the time she put dabs of lipstick on her earlobes because she thought it made her look "healthy". Or the time she filed the bridge of her nose with sandpaper because she thought it was too bumpy. Or the time that she couldn't hear properly on account of all the wax in her ear, and after stubbornly refusing to go to the doctor, phoned triumphantly to inform us that "I stuck a pair of nail scissors in there, so now I can hear perfectly fine!". No, I am not joking.
And so it is with an element of bafflement that I look at the vast array of products that seem to have multiplied like some horrific bacteria over the last few years with the aim of improving, extending, and (alarmingly) restructuring women's body parts. So, with the Christmas party season in full swing, and in memory of my dear old Nan who would rather cut up old pairs of tights and use them as hairbands than hand her money over to the beauty industry, here's my roundup of alternative DIY beauty tips!
1. Blur your face!!
OMG PORES!!! SPOTS! LINES!! Thank the Lord that Garnier are here to save us! For a tenner, you can get this cream that blurs your face!
Alternatively, and for the same price, down some cheap vodka, take off your specs, and check yourself out in the mirror. Voila! Same effect; much more enjoyable. Look at that lovely blurry lady wobbling in the mirror! Plus, instead of spending your evening trying desperately not to break a sweat, you get to feel like this:
Ever worry that you treat your face too much like, you know, a part of your body? And that maybe you should be thinking of it more as, I don't know, a two bed semi-detached? Never fear! L'Oréal is here with just the tool for you! A roller! For your face! Time to redecorate, ladies
3. Nail caviar!
Now that your face looks weirdly flat and shows no signs of visible life, don't you think it's time to add a bit of texture to your body? Once again, the beauty industry has the logical conclusion! Sprinkle yourself with something that resembles tiny fish eggs!! Yay!
If you're not so down with watching sickly how-to videos on Youtube and accidentally sticking fiddly little balls to your carpet/duvet/cat, then why not try my more enjoyable solution?
Step 1. Literally cover yourself and everything else in your kitchen with sprinkles.
Step 2. Lick off.
You and your cat will have endless fun.
4. Bleach your face!
Are you unfortunate enough not to conform to the impossible standards of Western beauty? Bleach your face with Fair and Lovely! I mean, come on, who doesn't love a bit of racism over the Christmas period?
If you're not up for parting with your cash or slathering your face with toxic chemicals, my girl Mrs D has a good home treatment for you...
OK then, my creamcake-covered, sprinkle-strewn, pissed-up lovelies! You're ready to hit the Christmas party scene, Nan-style!
Now, before anyone accuses me of being a drab, joyless, plain-Jane harpy, let me say this: of course, it's fun to dress up sometimes. Yes, I sometimes squeal over Barry M like a guinea pig on speed. Yes, I sometimes sit in the bath with a glass of wine and a mud mask (after invading my flatmate's room and pretending to be a swamp monster, obvs). Yes, I often conform to all the stereotypes that I'm so keen to explode. But I'm also much more than the sum of those stereotypes and so, I'm sure, are you. All I ask is that we don't let them limit how other people see us, and that we don't allow the more insidious standards foisted upon us by the beauty industry to suck the joy out of the harmless self-expression that beauty products can represent (as long as we don't take them too seriously).
So go forth, go mental with feathers and glitter, bedeck yourselves with diamanté body art and festoon your nether-regions with vajazzeled Christmas cheer! But just remember, these things should be a fun addition, not a bar your have to reach in order to participate in the festivities.
Merry Christmas, Hussies.